My Secrets

It's extremely hard for me to admit some of this. Once I publish it, it is out there for the world to read. I'm hoping to release some of the heaviness I feel by putting my life, thoughts, and feelings out there. These facts are to set the stage for future posts....most likely anyway.


101 Things About Me

1. I am the product of alcoholic (of 20+ years) father and an indecisive, loving, saint of a mother (who has done everything in her power to give her children the most normal life possible). And my parents are still together, and we keep my father's alcoholism a secret from EVERYONE.
2. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 17 years old. And I'm embarrassed about it.
3. I get the chills/goosebumps when I hear a gifted singer or when a song truly speaks to me. I will also tear up just thinking about the words in the song.
4. I've kept boxes of memorabilia from each one of my boyfriends, and I don't plan on throwing them away any time soon.
5. I've never done any illegal drugs or smoked a cigarette. I'm very proud of this.
6. I take birth control to regulate my hormonal imbalance. I felt like a crazy person at one point, but I think I'm on the right dosage, finally.
7. I will never forgive myself for not coming home from college to be with my mom when she was sick in the hospital. I wanted to be with my boyfriend instead.
8. I'm angry at my grandfather for giving up on life and stopping treatment.
9. I didn't know what a blow job was until half way through my freshman year of high school.
10. I don't know what my natural hair color is. My mom let me color my hair in junior high because I had gotten an awful haircut, and I've colored it ever since. I do know it is some shade of blond.
11. I didn't figure out Santa wasn't real until I was in fourth grade.
12. I have orgasms in my sleep. I have incredibly vivid dreams :).
13. I often think I have failed in life, since I'm not yet where I want to be.
14. I think about getting married and having babies on a daily basis. I'm no where near either one.
15. I'm scared that my little sister will get married before me.
16. I've had two first different first dates that both ended in grocery shopping before the guy took me home. Toilet paper, mouth wash, cheese, and bread were among the items purchased.
17. I enjoy watching the Disney Channel (not the cartoon shows though).
18. I let my dog lick me on the lips, but I deny it if anyone accuses me of it.
19. I'm always 15 minutes late to work, but I put that I was on time on my time card (I'm way underpaid, and I always work through lunch).
20. I went out with a guy who was in prison for accessory to murder (I didn't find out until after the first date when I Googled him). I confronted him, and all he could say was, "You can't always believe what you read."
21. I don't trust my father....AT ALL.
22. When I'm under stress, nervous, or depressed, I don't eat. My mom is worried about me
23. I never ate french fries until freshman year of college. There was a McDonald's in the dorm next to mine.
24. I feel I am not worthy of using my B.S. degree because how can I help the people I would need to, if I'm not able to help myself in the same way.
25. I have an extreme aversion to adhesive...it makes me gag, literally.
26. I listen to the same song over and over again in the car, even if it makes me cry.
27. I like to buy the cookies that are pre-made and you just put them on a cookie sheet and bake them, only I don't bake them. I just eat them raw.
28. When I lost my virginity, it was more because I wanted to get my first time over with than it was about making love with my boyfriend. He did try to make it special for me, though, because it wasn't his first time.
29. I have a bit of a shopping addiction. I go shopping on my lunch hour instead of eating, which is why I've been trying to work through my lunch, a) so I will eat and b) so I won't spend the money I don't have.
30. I've never and would never do anything sexual with another girl, but girl-on-girl porn does get me in the mood.
31. I have taken scandalous photos of myself and given them to my boyfriends.
32. I want this blog to be anonymous, but there are a few people in particular that I really want to find it and read it.
33. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with a condition that categorizes me as a high-risk patient. I'm terrified that someday I will no longer be at risk because I will be suffering from a disease that could possibly kill me.
34. I'm scared to death of thunderstorms.
35. I was in a casino in Vegas when gunfire went off. When it was safe to stand up again, I realized I was only about eight feet away from one of the victims (it was a gunshot to the leg, but it was enough to make me think that it could have been me).
36. My boyfriend didn't attempt to protect me during the shooting. He left me to fend for myself. I knew then it wasn't meant to be, but I stayed with him for another year.
37. I'm only 5ft tall, but I always feel as though I'm the same height as everyone I'm with. I'm not sure why.
38. I've never wanted to be any taller. Great things come in small packages :).
39. My closet and my two dressers are so full of clothes that I can hardly close them. I clean them out twice a year and give the clothes I don't wear away. None of this stops me from shopping for more clothes.
40. I feel guilty that I didn't fly (2000 miles) home when my grandmother died.
41. I am a hopeless romantic that believes that true love actually exists like it does in the movies.
42. I've said I love you to 3 guys. I now think I actually only love one of them.
43. I'm afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I feel myself having to fight the urge.
44. I hate my G-ma for cheating on my G-pa and breaking his heart.
45. I also hate her for pushing my pregnant aunt down the stairs while her young children and I (I was 2 1/2) watched from the couch. My mom was behind her and saved her from falling.
46. My first memory was when my brother was born (again I was 2 1/2). I was incredibly sick with flu like symptoms, but it was stress. I was afraid I was losing my parents to someone else.
47. My mom makes me feel special, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't like me as much as my brother and sisters.
48. I grew up afraid to disappoint my parents. I ended up disappointing myself.
49. I secretly like when guys honk, whistle, and yell at me. It makes me feel sexy.
50. I like to be naked.
51. I love sex, but it a zillion times better with someone you truly care about and who cares about you.
52. In high school, I thought if I was somehow able to meet Prince William, he'd fall in love with me instantly. He was better looking back then.
53. It upsets me that my grandma and grandpa won't be at my wedding or see their great-grandchildren. I was their first granddaughter, and kind of their favorite ;)
54. My grandpa sent me money throughout college and told me never to tell anyone.
55. I want to lead a happier life, but I don't know if I can do it knowing my mom's life is miserable.
56. I've wondered what it would be like to be addicted to pain killers, would I be numb to all the feelings, good and bad, that I have right now?? I never and would never try to find out.
57. It turns me on to give head.
58. I'm very comfortable in my own skin. I know I'm attractive. I just want people to tell me every once and awhile.
59. I think if it weren't for my dog and having to be responsible for her, I could have done a lot of damage to myself in college.
60. I admire people who are quick witted. I can never seem to think fast enough to be very funny.
61. I have to have chocolate, in some form, everyday. I honestly think it has something to do with my hormone imbalance, although I do love chocolate!
62. Right now, I want my engagement ring to be a solitaire (close to 2 carats) with diamonds all around the band. But I think when I do find the guy for me, I won't care what it looks like or how big it is, because I will be in love.
63. Right now, I also want 4 or 5 kids. But I'm sure that will change after I have the first one.
64. My first boyfriend liked my best friend before he liked me. I won him over by telling him that she was a lesbian. I said it jokingly. She had no interest in him and wasn't mad at me for saying it.
65. Size does not matter to me.
66. I'm afraid of having a child with a disability or some sort of debilitating disease.
67. I could honestly eat cheese at every meal. It doesn't matter what kind.
68. I still sleep with my baby blanket.
69. I'm afraid to be alone, but I like to be by myself.
70. I owned a vibrator once...it died from exhaustion.
71. I'm very shy, and not very outgoing. I always wait for the other person to initiate anything from conversation to a date or from just hanging out to sex.
72. I'm somewhat OCD. I like everything to be symmetrical.
73. I sometimes wish my dad would get sick from liver damage or a DUI or something to give him a wake up call. I know it sounds horrible.
74. I like to sing in the car and make it look like I am actually a good singer to the drivers that pass me.
75. I sometimes think about sex during church.
76. I dated a guy who was 10 years older than me, but I didn't know it because he lied to me about his age.
77. He also told me he played in the NFL until he broke his ankle. For some reason I believe him, even though I tried Google-ing him and found nothing.
78. I am attracted to guys who are arrogant (why? I'm not sure).
79. I sometimes hold back during sex, because I am one of those lucky girls who experiences the "female ejaculation" and it kinda makes a mess.
80. I'm afraid of heights.
81. I hate roller coasters because of my height phobia and because I can't control how fast it goes.
82. I hate horror movies. I have nightmares for days after watching one.
83. Every time I date someone, I picture what our lives would be like if we ended up falling in love and getting married.
84. I've had my share of one-night-stands. I'm not proud of this, but I fell for every line the guys fed me.
85. I prefer sex in a bed. It's just more comfortable and enjoyable.
86. I was the first one in my family to graduate from college, but I'm not even using my degree.
87. I'm afraid to go to a gym to workout. Not because I'm overweight or insecure about my body or anything. The equipment intimidates me, and I don't know how to use it, so I workout at home.
88. I don't like to mix food and sex. It just seems gross.
89. Before I go to sleep, I like to think about something in particular (whether it's a place I want to visit, a guy, or just something that makes me happy) in hopes that I will have a dream about it.
90. I moved 2000 miles away from home to a city where I knew no one. It was my escape from home and a bad breakup. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a pretty brave thing for me to do.
91. I moved back home after two years because I thought I fell in love with a guy back home. After two years with him, we broke up.
92. Sometimes I wish I never moved back home. I really like where I was and what I was doing.
93. I look a lot younger than I really am, and I feel that people don't take me seriously most of the time because of it.
94. I want to learn to snowboard/ski, but I'm afraid of hurting myself.
95. I'm the only one in my family who does not know how to water ski, because I was too scared of falling.
96. I don't like to share...anything...but I will if I have to.
97. I want to be swept off my feet and live happily ever after.
98. I envy the relationship my sisters have with each other, but they are closer in age to each than they are with me. They've also survived things with my dad (that I know nothing about) while I was away at college.
99. I'm usually the last to know any secret, because everyone is worried about how I will react.
100. I want to be a better person.
101. I miss not having a boyfriend, someone to call multiple times a day when you really don't have anything new to say, someone to wake up next to, someone to cuddle, someone to kiss and hug....and all that good stuff.

That was really hard to think of 101 things about myself, most of which are things I've never told anyone, let alone said out loud.